The following is a compendium of utterly meaningless corporate bullshit sent to me in two or three separate e-mails but here condensed into a single paragraph. This made-up language has come about due to the growing number of people who daily swallow their dreams and convince themselves they'd rather be spending 8 to 10 hours of every day trying to prove that their pointless job is actually worth paying someone to do, yet knowing deep down that just isn't true.
Anyway, it would be really good if I could get visibility on the project your good selves are doing, so if you could touch base with myself, and maybe fire off an e-mail a.s.a.p. to avoid any time spent fire-fighting, and we could utilize your skillset to action the deliverables and objectives on that target in time for go-live. Maybe we could have some dialogue around the RFP and TCP, to make sure we’re taking bold steps toward capturing enough momentum to leverage good returns on the NWA and SWV. Feel free to reach out to myself if you think we need to bolster our ability to connect with the internal stakeholders moving forward.
Some people manage to keep that up all day every day… It’s just a way for boring little men with latent feelings of sexual inadequacy to feel like action heroes.
Roughly Translated:
I’m going to “fire off” an e-mail because my wife thinks I’m shooting blanks… If I just had to “send” an e-mail then I may as well kill myself.
I’m not just solving boring administrative problems here, I’m “firefighting”, because that was my childhood dream (which died when I realised that fires are hot and pens are not), and because it means I’m holding a bigger hose than most men (even though my “hose” is actually the size of a chanterelle mushroom).
As long as I just keep speaking in acronyms and buzzwords, nobody will find out that I’ve no idea what I’m doing, then I can get paid to just sit here in a bad suit playing with an i-phone.
Whoops! I haven’t called an unnecessary meeting or conference-call for at least 4 hours – I feel an overwhelming appetite for verbal masturbation… Oh yeah… fire it off baby… action my deliverables!!!
Please also note:
*The incorrect use of myself and yourself, Instead of I/me and you. The reasons for this are threefold: Firstly, it avoids the apparently mystifying difference between "you and I" and "you and me". Secondly, in the clouded mind of your average illiterate Project/Sales Manager (as well as most waiters and retail staff), it is more polite to say yourself than you. Thirdly, it makes it possible for members of this sub-species of our once noble genus to recognise one another.
*The use of multi-syllable words and phrases (like utilize and get visibility) when much simpler ones (like use and see) are available. This serves the dual purpose of making the speaker seem more knowledgable and erudite in the eyes of fellow detritivores, while making international communication (with people who can probably speak their own language properly - and ours too) much more of a challenge (for challenge, read chore).
